Amsterdam I

There came a point when I had to stop doling out wine and bread for sustenance, as hat-money was not covering our feverish pace. Okay, bread was not the issue, but that I had found comfort in Micky. For me to be protected from harm and stupidity I would have to pay him back with wine. This feeling of sanctuary would return in later years to a more fierce degree. It was if I was put in a mouse cage to be kept from demons but my roommate was a snake. My progression was being stifled and I needed to travel alone, so I told my host without a home that I was going to catch the right train to Amsterdam this time.  As if it were a good solution to alchemy; as if for several days I did not witness Ouroboros, a snake eating its own tail, and also gold turning into wine. We had learned a lot about each other by getting personal and emotional in our efforts to close the delusory age gap. He was able to translate to me other people’s stories, where they too would get emotional. The less I consumed alcohol the less emotional and forthcoming I became, the more I saw others courage as compulsory and beyond my experience with such things. So naturally, as a brave young man, I would go looking for revelations within myself and instead encountered  the serpent that may as well have had two heads along with a noisy tail.

The people that lived and worked in Amsterdam rode bikes, walked with purpose, and had a sort of academic and artistic air about them. I can’t recall meeting even one silhouette that was born and raised there. I was not a ghost to them but rather the other way around. I saw them as a steady stream of untouchable ghosts who wore suits or dresses, all wearing hats and riding bikes. It’s as if I had been transported back in time to 19th century America but the puffy coat was then in fashion for the common people. How amazed I must’ve looked, dodging bikes and weaving around people that wouldn’t exist for me to write home about. I was going to have to intrude in on this caldron of souls or I would have to find a soul like mine, in a different part of town, that I could hold up to blame.

It is not necessary to go into the perversions and depravity that exist in parts of this city because I went there a few times but with eyes only. I’ve learned not to judge others for their indulgences because what is fitting for one person may clash to another but all of us stand naked in the shower. What I did find was Heads from all over the world that would look over their shoulders to see who was interfering with their confidence by speaking forwardly and not quite advanced. It wasn’t always me they were looking for because the joke seemed to be contagious. Things were going to get serious though, very quickly. The descriptions of paranoia and inspiration I endured have been lost in detail for emotion verbiage, like laughing and crying and smiling and brooding, all during the same thought. Now I know that coming down from Space Cakes made me feel like I had overcome internal struggles that would not have presented themselves without a gradual reconnection to usual thinking from the absurd. It was a challenge I was willing to accept at that time.

One incident that eased my mind was while walking through the university area market viewing everyday commerce, there was music flowing from a flute far off in the invisible distance. I felt compelled to find the source of this enchanting sound so I left the open air market and disappeared into a maze of brick and mortar alleyways. The narrow brick pathways were aligned with doorways serving as exit doors to large shops which faced the main thoroughfare. Occasionally, at the corner of a building would be a small shop with trinkets or blankets or small worldly instruments for sale. I thought, here is where I could purchase an instrument that would allow me to share my emotions and imagination, as I was seeking an outlet from perdition. Not wanting to barter I continued deeper into the chasm of sights and sounds. The alleyways eventually turned into a plaza, a circus of street musicians, gypsies, hula hoopers, fire breathers, jugglers, and slapstick actors. It was an ongoing festival to showcase art and music, and oddities. It is what I needed to see at that exact moment in time. I had been charmed, and from then on would long to be the charmer.