The train clattered down the coast of Greece towards the South Peloponnese with seemingly loose rails as we managed tight curves upon cliff tops. I wondered how in the hell would we make it to the beach without rolling down the high, steep hills at a fierce angle following the train engine, whipping the caboose end behind us, for sure making it so the whole train would wind up crumpled at the bottom on jagged rocks at the shoreline. This rickety ride was just the beginning of insecurity I felt in regards to safety because there was an air of hostility towards Americans at every turn. Heck, even the rabbi sitting close to me made wise cracks about how the first Americans left Europe and their successors came back 200 years later with guns. I also saw a poster at the hostel with the image of a soldier carrying a weapon with the caption “stupid questions will be taken seriously” written in English. Up until then I was getting less intimidated by Europeans and more confident in my ability to navigate older cities and their cultures. I think I would have been less insecure if I hadn’t also felt insignificant under the weight of stars that were like clockwork, those that had inspired astronomers, mathematicians, and philosophers for millenia. An incredible aspect of the sky here is that one would begin to take shooting stars for granted as they streaked the sky every quarter of an hour. Though I was at first intimidated I found serenity on the beaches while stargazing and taking up shelter in a patch of vines and twisted branches 200 feet from the Ionian Sea. I was at the gates of the backpackers Mecca and instead of crashing in I was going to take it easy and practice being human. I was not in a great hurry to reach the philosopher’s stone city called Athens.
Instead I would keep at a distance from locals and travelers alike to reflect on my euro-excursion up to this point. This whole experience had been dynamic to the point where anyone my age and all backgrounds would’ve been bedazzled. I was transformed from a kid who was full of ownership that was not his to share into a young man living a novel with no title yet.
I now believe a person needs to take ownership in their wrongdoings as well as their good deeds. It is also beneficial to know you are not alone when invoking the past as others are likely to remember your character in their own stories. Up until recently I would remember mostly negative confrontations, who had crossed me and about what. When something was discussed that was profound in its fruition I could not remember who was the purveyor of the ideation. Now it seems that most of my encounters are of the positive variety so it does not matter so much who is involved but rather if the content is good. If the situation is not positive I will try to find humor in the struggle because I understand that those things do not need to be thought about and remembered because the feeling is automatic. Humor comes quick and is like having a Gestalt moment where one understands what is being conveyed at that moment. Like in an instant I can remember something stupid I said ten years ago and cringe and cuss but that would be digression. Instead I would rather say all the positive things that are happening now even if I’m repeating myself to the same person – I’m quite positive I do this. I’ve had a lot of good in my life so I suppose that’s why it’s easier to forget. You see, there is progress in forgetting – and forgiveness.
I started hiking through the foothills of tired mountains where I came upon a very old decrepit castle that was barely standing above the sea. It looked like an archaeological dig that was exposed by windstorms not chisels. I perched on the weathered fortress walls and gazed at the sea, sort of like I did at home atop dunes overlooking freshwater bays. I had the same thoughts I always had high above water. That at any moment I could leap into the bay and not be hurt by water but rather I could slip into it like a pool because I was a giant. I felt larger than the land and sea at that moment. I was in command and had the whole world before me and it was my destiny to be gentle and go through it with dignity and grace because I was larger than life and greater than all the creatures and land and seas they inhabit. I was a man who would confidently leave all this behind and forget about all the struggles of youth and enter into adulthood with ease because I was kind and good and certainly I would be rewarded for those virtues. For me the only way to pass through the gates into manhood was to have enough ambition to be larger than my background and to have more energy than the environment around me. Of course, I may have been better off bringing myself down to size and embracing the beings around me.
Francis Erich McElroy 