In this early recovery I am realizing that if I don’t side with the ideology of sobriety I won’t have any friends to share with the fact that I am sober. If I can’t share it, I won’t be sober much longer because of my own persuasion to seek what I know. My reason for getting sober in the first place is I couldn’t take the insanity, which has been described as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Now the insanity has turned into this – after changing my life around, I am the same person as before over and over again, with sobriety being the only variable that has changed. I am committed more than ever to sobriety but I haven’t put any effort in reaping good habits that should come with being sober. Self-compassion, confidence, and empathy towards others as they struggle or admiration when they succeed would be a good start. I can’t say I’ve been practicing any of those qualities because I haven’t been able to relate to anyone who has those qualities and yet I will compare myself to others who also don’t have those qualities as if that will bring about change in me. To measure myself against misery is to only measure myself.
I have the ability to bring joy into the lives of others but I constantly over estimate the amount of thought we put into positive interactions. When my mind weighs heavy with negative thinking or low self esteem I am given the illusion of concern that manifests in receiving advice and sometimes unsettling feedback. It is a transfer of energy that takes more out of me and gives a sense of urgency and does not have me forgetting easily. Negativity is a sickness that is less contagious when it is introspective and more prone to correction when it is overt. When things are going good for a person they tend to think everybody is doing well whereas when they are feeling bad they have to go at it alone. This is why I am having a hard time finding people to share my frustration because before sobriety my misery would love company but today I have to force my misery into keeping limited friendships. This is why I have a recurring theme of loneliness in my writing.
Francis Erich McElroy 