Four Stones from a Guru

I sauntered right up to the toughest guy on the block and told him to look at this little tiny jewel I have clasped in my hands here and when he did I kicked him in the shin so hard that he pummeled me into the ground until I saw nothing but stars. He felt bad about that afterward, I reckon. 

I went up to the funniest guy after a stand up show and told him to look at this little tiny jewel I have clasped in my hands here and when he did I flipped him the almighty bird right then and he began to laugh so hard that for a second I was the funniest guy in the room. He felt glad about that for a second too, I reckon. 

I danced up to the prettiest girl at the club the other night and told her to look at this little tiny jewel I have clasped in my hands here and when she did I gave her the phone number of my ex girlfriend who was even prettier than her and wouldn’t you know it, the next day I saw both of them cuttin’ a rug to the tune of an accordion at my nieces bat mitzvah. She didn’t feel sad about that, I reckon. 

I once clambered up to the top of a mountain to ask a guru to look at this little tiny jewel I have clasped in my hands here and when they did I saw right there in the palm of my hand a clear shiny stone the size of a pecan shell radiating all colors of the rainbow and when I went to see if it was real it plum disappeared and when I looked up, the guru had vanished too. I reckon I’d been had.

I whistled my way into a book store once and after I stopped blowing air I walked up to the person signing books and asked them to look at this little tiny jewel I have clasped in my hands here and when they did I had a clear shiny stone the size of a pecan shell radiating all colors of the rainbow and told them the only way to get this stone from me is to share five things that you’re good at too. I felt radical about that, I reckon.