Love Pain and Resiliance

I am defeated by love, wriggling in bed on a cross titled “ABANDON” for the third time, but I can’t recall being in love any time before this. Just out of reach is the life I have lived and the pain I have now for having not lived right nor loved right any other time. I have done my best to love in pain but the pain is what made me love most. There shouldn’t be an ounce of pain in love but there is weight to bear for having done your best when your best is never enough. My understanding of pain is greater than love which is why I am defeated. I don’t have the strength to love but I do have the will to live in pain before I give up on being loved again.