Metamorphosis and Dual Diagnosis

Let me segue back into this part of my life by saying you carry the blues with you wherever you go. At some point I’m going to have to discuss why my experience with dual diagnosis was not drug induced psychosis. The real simple answer is that I didn’t use drugs but a few times – long before my soldier prance through the slow motion portion of sleep, where my pointer finger normally inched me closer to the human next in line on the evolution chart but found me dancing all over the ageless – instead I found I had good command over the weather. I was already well on my way to 360 degree vision offered by energy of the four winds.

This whole experience with dual diagnosis means that I know drugs are not good for me because it could trigger something that could put me over the edge. That seems fair but I have already been over the edge without them, how could drugs take me further into a breaking point? Drugs and alcohol are not good for me and have prolonged my invisibility but they had helped me get to where I am today by biding me time to modify my alteration. Using became less and less about the experience and more a matter of wanting to give up and give in, to succumb to the inevitable – that I’m the crazy one in a normal country where everybody gets high in some way? I’m going to have to call bullshit on that and revert back to my breaking point when it was “everybody else is crazy” and this psychosis is what you get when you cross a perfectly average guy with an insane world. Is it normal to think, when you’re a twenty year old person, that things are way different for you this summer than last and then try to decipher who has gained that experience along with you, in the same year. All people do this. Now ask yourself if you’d rather trust the person who visibly changed before you and for sure he is different from last year and has knowledge on how he changed? To top it off he continues to change over the years back into the person you once knew. Metamorphosis of the psyche that every young person thinks they have a grasp on or think they want to at least. That’s a lot of pressure, being the one person that actually has the unreal audacity to be different from those around him. And he also gets to eventually be of normal stature in a crazy world of people who don’t know how to morph? Wouldn’t you want to go back to that time in your life every year for as long as you could stand the burden? That is why I am dual diagnosis – because I get mileage out of the fact that what I went through then is significant and singular, unique to me – and the knowledge that I couldn’t go back to those deep recesses within my mind by ingesting things crazy people do, to try and do the same, over and over. It’s better to repair relationships than prepare for something unattainable.